A "Virtual" Kol Nidrei

The observance of Yom Kippur began today at sundown. This day is referred to as the Shabbat of all Shabbats - it is the holiest day of the Jewish calendar. Perhaps the most identifiable soundtrack of this day is Kol Nidrei - a solemn prayer annulling vows that we have made and will make. It reminds us of the many times we missed the mark. And the many times we will miss the mark again.

Tonight I did something I have never done before...I didn't go to the synagogue. But I was able to still "be" at services. Over a year ago Temple Judea began live streaming all of our worship services. I wanted to be in the congregation, but tonight I couldn't. I was emotionally raw from an intense ten day period of reflection on all that was in the last year. I wanted time to be alone. To just be.

So I attended services through our website...and it was amazing.

1) The music - since I was by myself I turned my speakers as high as they could go. I closed my eyes. I felt the music. I wasn't worried about what anyone else thought. I was able to just experience this amazing sound. I allowed tears to form and didn't care. I cheered when an all-time favorite tune was played. I appreciated the musical gifts that were brought to this service in a way I never had before.

2) The sermon - again, I was by myself. The only person on the screen was the rabbi. I was able to feel like he was addressing me personally, not the entire congregation. I felt that a message was being given directly to me. And so I listened closer. And I listened deeper.

3) The temperature - it may seem silly, but I know how many comments our executive director receives about the sanctuary being too hot or too cold. During the service I did get cold. I got up and got a blanket. Problem solved!

Of course, it wasn't the same as being there. I couldn't share my erudite observations with a neighbor (though I thought about a twitter feed for next year). I didn't have anyone to hug and wish "shanah tovah" a happy new year. I experienced Kol Nidrei personally and with my spiritual leaders, but not with my community.

So did it replace the experience I would have had at synagogue? - definitely not! Was it a profoundly spiritual evening? - Absolutely!!

#BlogElul 28 Responsibility to me...

The collective feeling is that this past week was like one REALLY long day! It was all about finishing things, or preparing things, or taking care of everything that needed to be done before Rosh Hashanah.

It's really important to me that I take responsibility for anything I have told others I would do. Which is why on Thursday, two "work days" before Rosh Hashanah, I spent the day organizing the Judaica museum...which I had assured our executive director I would do by the holidays.

It was SO important to me to get this done that I put everything else on the back burner for the day.

Interestingly, I don't feel the same obligation to myself. I make promises. I make plans. And I let myself down. In the year ahead I hope to take greater responsibility to turn my intentions in to actions and make sure my actions represent my intentions!

Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil #BlogElul 27

Good & Evil

opposites

like

Black & White

Life & Death

The language of the High Holy Days is full of such opposites that seem to present two choices, of which one is right.

We want to be written in the Book of Life...

We want to choose life that we may live...

But a lot of this period is about appreciating the grey. 

We make mistakes. We learn. We repent. We return.

We all do good - we all do evil.

In the year ahead, may the good in us - and in the world - far outweigh the evil!

Readiness - Am I Ready? #BlogElul 26

The URJ Biennial is an event every two years that brings together members of Reform Judaism from all over the world. I LOVE attending these events for two reasons. One is the people - having grown up in the Reform Movement, these gatherings are a "this is your life" event where I can connect with friends, colleagues, and teachers from childhood to today.

The second reason is the music - I love singing with hundreds of others. I love hearing songs that I grew up singing at camp. And I love hearing the new music from up-and-coming artists. This year, one of those artists was Noah Aronson. I was moved by his song "Am I Awake" that leads in to the Barechu. I believe the lyrics to "Am I Awake" speak to the readiness which we need to bring to the High Holy Days:

Am I awake? Am I prepared?
Are you listening? To my prayer?
Can you hear my voice? Can you understand?
Am I awake? Am I prepared

You can purchase "Am I Awake" on iTunes!

Jonah makes a little more sense #BlogElul 25

Since I began working at Temple Judea I have had the honor of reading the story of Jonah on Yom Kippur afternoon. It's a weird book.

After all, the "hero" of the book is a whiny prophet who disapproves of the fact that God is forgiving of those who truly repent. It's hard to hear that as an "inspirational" message as the day is growing long and the gates are closing...

Temple Judea has had the pleasure of having Scott Fried with us as we prepare for the High Holy Days. In a recent talk on bullying - he made a very important point. Often, the person who is the "perpetrator" of bullying is doing it because they see something in their target that they dislike in themselves.

This idea has given me new compassion for Jonah - after all, it isn't easy to forgive others who have wronged us. Perhaps Jonah was mad at God, because he wished that he could forgive in the same way that God could.

The gift is that we can all be God-like by doing the hard task of letting go of hurts and pains, whether they were caused intentionally or not. May we all let go - and not carry those pains in to a new year!

#BlogElul 24 Giving

BROKEN   DREAMS

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my Friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can You be so slow?""My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

Giving is about presenting to another and it is about letting go - creating space for another, and perhaps creating space for God.

Seeing & Awakening - #BlogElul 22 & 23

I can tell we are closing in on the Yamim Noraim - the High Holy Days. There are many signs, but the one that works for me is the personal changes I can observe in my schedule. The to-do lists are getting a little longer...the days seem a bit fuller...and I definitely arrive home just a little (or a lot) more tired.

(That is all the "justification" for why I am combining these two blog posts!)

Every year our congregation tackles a learning theme. In some cases this is intellectual and in some cases experiential. Depending on the topic, we use it to inform the educational opportunities offered for all ages. This year our theme is Mindfulness.

This weekend we held workshops for parents of preschool children, parents of teens, and our religious school and preschool faculties. We learned about the neurological benefits of Mindfulness and strategies to bring this practice to our families and our classrooms. (Thank you to Kristen Race from Mindful Life for leading these sessions)

At it's core, mindfulness is about awakening. It is about being in the present - not the past or the future. It is about tuning in to the sights, sounds, smells, rhythms, patterns that surround us.

I hope that this time - the days leading up to and including the High Holy Days - can be a period of awakening for all of us. Stop and tune in. What sights surround you? Practice being in the moment. May it be a period of awakening for all of us!

Hearing...Silence #BlogElul 21

I am getting ready for Slichot at Temple Judea tonight. It is a service that I love, and I find uncomfortable. It is a reflective service - with music, meaningful and provocative readings, and beautiful imagery as we change the covers of our Torah scrolls to reflect the arrival of the High Holy Day season.

And we leave the service in silence.

This is very atypical (especially for me)!

And the silence is deafening. You look to people expecting sound and hear none. Your own voice becomes louder and louder in your head. You hear your breathing. And time seems to stand still.

It is an awe-some experience as befits the Days of Awe.

Listening to silence is a gift - may we all be able to hear it more!

As the sun goes down #BlogElul 20

I have enjoyed the #BlogElul themes (for the most part) and how they have helped me think about the month of Elul and the upcoming High Holy Days. It's interesting that Endings is the theme that comes after Beginnings. At this time of the year, I think that endings come before beginnings.

We are saying goodbye to a week (shabbat shalom),
We are saying goodbye to a month (elul),
We are saying goodbye to a year (5772)
We are saying goodbye to a season (summer)

While it is hard to say goodbye to things and to people - one of the comforts is that saying goodbye allows us to welcome new times and new experiences. It reminds me of the Garden of Eden. While living in an idyllic place with eternal life does have its appeals - there is a significant sacrifice if eternal life means no new births.

So these endings allow us to have new beginnings - and we move from strength to strength.

How to Meditate

I received this from my acupuncturist, Vivian Shou-Litman - thought it was a great simple explanation!

Increase Your Focus with Meditation

The word "meditation" comes from a Greek word that means "to be mindful." The practice of meditation can help you tame your mind and overcome anxieties, agitation, and habitual thought patterns. The regular practice of meditation creates a continuing sense of well-being, leaving us feeling confident and calm.

How to Meditate

Create a quiet, relaxing environment, with comforting items (candles, incense, art that has a spiritual importance to you, etc.) around you.

Sit upright on a cushion with your legs folded, or in a chair with your feet firmly planted on the ground, allowing for easy breathing. Relax your shoulders and gently place your hands on your knees or in your lap.

Tuck your chin in slightly and keep your eyes half open, your gaze softly focusing downward about four to six feet in front, and your mouth slightly open.

Observe your breath. Try belly-breathing, not breathing with the chest, but from the navel. Don't accentuate or alter the way you are breathing, just let your attention rest on the flow of your breath.

The goal is to allow the "chattering" in your mind to gradually fade away. If you are distracted by a thought, gently bring your mind back to your breathing.

Continue to focus on your breathing for 10 or 15 minutes. Stay relaxed, yet awake and attentive. Finding a balance there is not easy!

Eventually, as your body understands what you are doing, meditation will become easier. Remember to be gentle and patient with yourself. Meditating for even 5 or 10 minutes can have a powerful effect on your day.

Beginnings #BlogElul 19

Yesterday we had a faculty meeting for the religious school faculty. One of my teachers prepared this treat to celebrate the beginning of our school year and of our Jewish new year.

Inside each of the "pieces" of the round challah was a foil wrapped blessing for the new year. The faculty had written these blessings - but without knowing the goal. This is a family tradition for this teacher - a blend of Sefardic and Ashkenazic ritual. The challah was delicious! And yes, the honey pot is an apple.

The blessing that I received, was ironically one that I had written - May you be happy with all that you have!

#BlogElul 18 "Who Do I Love"

I do a lot better with intellectual concepts than I do with emotions. That may have something to do with why I am now several days behind in my blogging. 

This is a time in the Jewish calendar when we are taking inventory of who we are - and a large part of who I am, is who I love. By no means is this an exhaustive list, but here is a start:

• My mother - this has been a hell of a year for us, and it has been such a long road from my teenage years where we couldn't talk, but could only yell, and I wouldn't trade any of it
• My father - the challenges of this past year have brought us closer and allowed us to talk openly about emotions and feelings and other mushy non-intellectual stuff
• My brother - as he has grown into "an adult" (whatever that means) we are redefining our relationship and I have so much respect for who he is, his integrity, and his commitment to his wife and his family
• The people I work with - I am so lucky because I love my job and I love who I work with. They challenge me, and support me, they accept me and they inspire me
• The students who brighten my days - the hugs, the smiles, the questions, the challenges

And of course...

• My partner in life - who loves me unconditionally through the easy stuff and the hard stuff, the silly and the serious, and the just plain ludicrous, who makes me smile - no matter how long it takes, and who allows me to be the best me that I can!

Inspiration from a Collection of Sources #BlogElul 17

I don't know if this happened at every summer camp, but when I went to camp, all the girls had "Quote Book" (even the counselors). These books were journals, the size of a diary, but they weren't private. They were definitely personal. I used my Quote Book to record poems that I liked (often from services or from other people's books). I recorded poems that I wrote and poems my friends wrote. There are funny things people said. In some cases there are profound things that people said.

As an aside, I clearly grew up before social media. I imagine now this would be a virtual book full of tweets and bookmarked pages...does this mean that campers today don't have quote books?

Anyway, going back to my, ultimately three, quote books. As a teenager, I used these for inspiration. Sometimes it was finding a poem for a particular situation. Sometimes it was finding a quote that captured my emotion of the moment.

I find looking back, that I still get inspiration from these books. I copied several poems about puzzle pieces to use at services at Camp Coleman this summer. I could still connect with the emotions. And I think others could as well.

So from Book 1, here is some inspiration for the day:

Live each day to the fullest.
Get the most from each hour, each day
Each age of your life.
Then you can look forward with confidence
And back without regrets.
Be yourself - but be your best self
Dare to be different and to follow your star.
And don't be afraid to be happy.
Enjoy what is beautiful.
Love with all your heart and soul.
Believe that those you love, love you.
Forget what you have done for them.
Disregard what the world owes you,
And concentrate on what you owe the world.
When you are faced with a decision,
Make the decision as wisely as possible -
Then forget it
The moment of absolute certainty never arrives.

According to my 7th grade handwriting, the author is unknown!

#BlogElul 16 - Wondering about Wonder

Nothing came to mind when I looked at today's topic...Wonder. So I did what I always do when I am stuck. I turned to google. Dictionary.com was only somewhat useful. So I refined my search to "wonder" and "quotes." Now we were getting somewhere...

"Wonder is the beginning of wisdom.” ― Socrates

This was a good place to start. I tend to go "intellectual" first. I liked this connection that wisdom is fueled by curiosity...and finding questions that one can't answer. At least that's what I think of when I think of wonder.

“The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Interesting...so not only did wonder mark the beginning of wisdom, but the ability see wonder within the common, to recognize how miraculous things could be, that was a sign of wisdom. Note to self...need to be present in the world in order to see the miraculous in the common!

"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed."
-Albert Einstein

Hmmm...so according to Einstein, it isn't just that wonder is a mark of wisdom, it's more than that. If you can't experience wonder in the everyday, if you can't stand in awe, you aren't really living. Note to self...remember to schedule time to be present. Seriously, this is important!

From wonder into wonder existence opens.  -Lao Tzu

Wonder is important because it leads to wisdom. The act of wonder shows wisdom. Awe and wonder are signs that you are living in the moment. And the wonder that is experienced leads to more wonder. 

Here is to finding wonder...and then more wonder...and even more wonder...in the world around us.

"Who formed the human body with skill" #BlogElul 15

One of my favorite blessings is part of the morning service - and I don't say it enough.

Praise to You, Adonai
our God, Sovereign of the universe,
who formed the human body with skill
creating the body's many pathways and openings.
It is well known before Your throne of glory
that if one of them be wrongly opened or closed,
it would be impossible to endure and stand before You.
Blessed are You, Adonai, who heals all flesh, working wondrously.

בָּרוּךְ אַתָּה יְיָ, רוֹפֵא כָל בָּשָׂר, וּמַפְלִיא לַעֲשׂוֹת

Baruch atah, Adonai, rofei chol basar umafli laasot.

I believe this prayer says it best. How often do we take for granted the regular "healthy" functioning of our bodies?

Overheard in an Educator's Office #BlogElul 14

Overheard in my office - with some regularity...

Parent: I'm sorry [child's name] can't come to religious school. [s/he] is really struggling with [subject matter] and needs to complete additional tutoring.
Me: I'm so sorry to hear that school is a struggle right now. I hope you get the support that [child] needs!
Parent: I think we are on the right track. It's just frustrating because [child] is so good at [other subject matter or skill set].
Me: Yeah, it's one of the crazy things about school. As a child you are supposed to be good at everything and it is only in college when you get to really specialize on the things that are of interest to you.
[insert other commentary about miss the days you need, we look froward to seeing child return, etc.]

If I were developing Beth Young's Stages of Learning, it would go something like this:

• Learning things for survival
• Learning things you are told to learn
• Learning things you want to learn

However, in reflecting on my past year I have realized that even as an adult there are things that you "have to" learn - and often these are things that you don't want to learn.

This year I did a lot of learning about cancer. Following my mom's diagnosis, and in rapid succession, I learned about medications and treatments, specialties and sub-specialties, tests and what they can show and can't show, staging of cancer and markers for identifying types of cancer, resources and support programs. I also learned about helpful websites (American Cancer Society) and non-helpful websites (pretty much any chat board). In a matter of hours words like "oncologist," "palliative care," "subcutaneous injection," and "neutropenia"went from vocabulary words to commonly used in everyday conversations.

I hope that no one reading this blog has had to go through this sort of education. And I know that many of you have. While I was very angry with God that my mom was facing this trial, I was also grateful that as a human I had the ability to continue to learn and understand what was happening in my mom's body.

Learning truly is a gift from God - both for the enjoyment of exploring areas of interest and fascination and for coping and handling the unexpected curve balls that are thrown our way as well.

May the year ahead be one that is filled with enjoyable learning!

I would have done this sooner but something important came up #BlogElul 13

One of the most important things I learned in graduate school wasn't part of the formal curriculum. We had an intensive workshop for most of the morning and one of my classmates came late (or left early, I don't remember which). After she explained to the professor why she was not participating in all of the session he responded with an exceptionally keen observation.

Once you offer an excuse, you open yourself to being judged on whether that was a good enough excuse or not. Don't explain, just apologize for being late (or leaving early.)

I have found this to be great advice - and I often think about it when I am the one receiving the excuse. At a time when we are working to repair and strengthen relationships, don't let excuses get in the way!

In the Image of #BlogElul 12

If you haven't noticed from some earlier posts, I can tend to be a bit self-critical. So the first thing I thought of for today's topic of image was self-image...and that quickly turned to diet routine, exercise, and my many failings in both of those categories.

My second connection was to the Hebrew word for image - tzelem. This word is noticeably used in the Bible in Genesis where it describes that humans are created b'tzelem Elohim, in the image of God. This quote (not to mention the Dan Nichols song) are often used as the basis for teaching acceptance and tolerance. After all, if we are all created in God's image, then there is something Godly in each of us and we need to respect that in one another.

I often find it more of a challenge to see the Godliness in myself.

Elul, and the High Holy Day season, is an opportunity to attune ourselves to the Godliness in others. And while we are taking stock of our actions in the past year, it is important to also remember the Godliness in ourselves.

Change is a comin' #BlogElul 11

This post is dedicated to Phyllis Sommer as a way of showing that I can change my blogging habits!

Next time I print these cards I will add Change Addict!

At the end of the school year, our congregation held a "Board Forward." What's a Board Forward - well a Board Retreat would be moving backward! (Seriously that is what we called it!) As part of the day we did an activity where we mapped our strengths - individually and as an institution. I identified one of my strengths as being a "change addict."

Yes, I am familiar with the "if it ain't broke don't fix it" approach - and I apply it liberally in my personal life. But when it comes to my professional life I take a different angle - why wait for it to break? We live in a world that is moving very fast - and if we wait for things to break we may find that we have become too irrelevant to fix anything.

But Elul isn't really about organizational change - it's about personal change and growth. Why is it that a concept I can easily apply professionally is so challenging to apply to my personal life? (I'm sure my therapist would have a few ideas...)

Perhaps there are in-roads I can make by reframing the situation. Instead of looking to "fix" things that are "broken" in my personal habits, relationships, etc. what if I look for things that are too important to let break? Things that should be strengthened so that they can withstand any challenge?

So instead of focusing on eating a more healthy diet, or exercising more (which are great goals), I am trying to change the way I relate to the people that are the most important to me. The changes I hope to implement are saying "I love you" more, saying "thank you" more, and finding new ways to express gratitude.

#BlogElul 10 - Making Memories

 Over the last two years I have done a lot of thinking, brainstorming, pondering, and experimenting related to the goal of religious education in our congregational program. Last year, I started preaching to my faculty (I have been known to have a soap box or two) that one of our goals was creating positive Jewish memories for our students.

With today's technology, we have a lot of tools to help us craft memories. Obviously, the first piece is having a meaningful experience. But the second part is documenting it - by video, photo, scanned documents, the possibilities are endless.

Starting last year we have been compiling these documents, filing them by student (Picasa has been amazing for this) with the following goal: When a child becomes Bar or Bat Mitzvah s/he receives a photo book from the religious school. Within it's pages are pictures, photos, writings, and more that document this child's Jewish journey up to this point. I know for me the memories that are the strongest are the ones I have in pictures!





We'll start to see how it goes - but my guess is that pictures like these will evoke positive Jewish memories!

100 Blessings (almost) for #BlogElul 9

These orchids aren't blooming right now - but are tied to the Gumbo Limbo in our front yard.

There is a tradition of saying 100 blessings a day. Judaism has blessings for just about everything - for natural occurrences of all kinds, for meeting people, seeing things, completing mitzvot, eating, etc. Here are some of the blessings that I am grateful for today:

1. Thank You God for the wonders of nature - today was wind and rain.
2. Thank You God for allowing us to build shelters for protection and safety - from wind and rain among other things.
3. Thank You God for scientists who can study and predict when we will have wind and rain. (Shout out to NOAA)
4. Thank You God for the blessing of good health.
5. Thank You God for the blessing of doctors to help bring us to good health. (Root canal was a success, we think)
6. Thank You God for medicines that allow us to maintain good health. (I'm on new antibiotics)
7. Thank You God for loving partners. (Like my husband who went to get my new antibiotics)
8. Thank You God for colleagues and mentors. (I talked to several of mine today)
9. Thank You God for sharing Your ability to create with humans. 
10. Thank You God for sharing Your ability to bring order to chaos with humans.

With your help can we get to 100? What are blessings that you would like to offer today?

Praying for...#BlogElul #8

I have been thinking about prayer a lot lately. We have made a lot of changes in the religious school curriculum at Temple Judea for the upcoming school year. One significant change was separating our Hebrew curriculum from the Tefillah curriculum. As a result we will be having more frequent prayer services (since most of us learn prayer through recitation and repetition) and we will be teaching about prayer in a meaningful way.

To do this I have adapted a curriculum a friend wrote about becoming a sheliach tzibur (prayer leader). There are four lessons that focus on some of the values of prayer, in addition to communicating with the Divine. The students will explore prayer as a link to our ancestors, as a way of saying thank you, as an expression of love, and as a teaching method. I think too often we focus on one purpose of prayer - and if we aren't finding that meaningful, we give up. By remembering all these different roles we can come to prayer open for whatever purpose is appropriate for that moment in time.

I have also been thinking about prayer on a more personal level. This past January my mom was diagnosed with cancer of unknown primary. We knew it was very aggressive and we knew that my mom was going to have to put up a really good fight! Without thinking about it too much I added her name to the Mi Shebeirach list at temple (a list of people in need of healing). I am thrilled that the beginning of August brought amazing news as the chemo was doing an unbelievable (bordering on miraculous) job of defeating the cancer.

When my mom shared this news with me she commented that, "maybe it was all of the love and prayers that were being sent her way." I know I don't believe that prayer can really bring healing, but at the same time, I say my mom's name and frequently pray for her continued health, because...well...what if the prayers do make a difference...

The High Holy Day prayer service can be inaccessible to many of us...but instead of getting frustrated if we are not able to connect with the Divine, think of prayer as a link, a teaching, an act of love, a way of expressing thanks...and if none of those work, consider prayer as a way of expressing our hopes for the year ahead.

#BlogElul 7 - The Still Small Voice

Here in South Florida we are all awaiting the arrival of Tropical Storm/Hurricane Isaac. This is the first significant storm to threaten the area since I moved here four years ago.

This afternoon the announcements went out that Miami-Dade Public Schools would be closed on Monday. Following suit The University of Miami announced closures, as did many private schools and organizations in the area. This news was wildfire on Facebook - with students of all ages celebrating an unexpected three-day weekend.

Amidst this, I was struck by a Facebook friend's post from a university student who works with our congregation. He said:

Although Hurricane Isaac is not expected to directly affect the south Miami area, it's still a natural disaster. Stop posting like it's a party.

It was a stark reminder that hurricanes, like earthquakes (I lived in LA) and tornadoes (I lived in Pittsburgh) are demonstrations of God's might and power.

The shofar also serves as a reminder of God's might and power. But the shofar isn't the thunder and lightning display of God's Awesomeness. To me, the shofar reminds us that God is present in the "still small voice" that the prophet Elijah hears on the mountaintop. The shofar is a hollow, haunting call. For many it is a wake-up call to reconnect with the Divine. For some it is a reminder to find God in the big things and in the small things. For me it is the sound of holiness - beautiful and haunting.

Throughout these weeks of Elul I will try to be more mindful of the sounds of holiness - the crashing thunder and the soft calls of the shofar.

Cuz' You Gotta Have Faith! #BlogElul 6

It's a classic 80's reference to the George Michael song Faith. Without really knowing the lyrics, this was always a song that got me tapping my foot - and often pretending to sing along (again, not really knowing the lyrics).

Thanks to the numerous lyric lists on the web, I actually read what the words are. In summary, the singer is physically attracted to a person, who wants him to stay in the relationship. However the singer, knowing that his lover plays games, decides to leave the relationship. He has faith that there is something better out there.

How often do we need to make decisions, based on faith - the combination of trust in ourselves and trust in a higher power? Often these are the BIG decisions - entering a relationship or exiting one, changing jobs, careers, moving away, moving home.

As we reflect on the past year, were there times when we should have acted with faith, but were not prepared to? Sometimes I worry I don't have enough evidence, haven't thought something through thoroughly, it would be better to wait.

And, as we look towards next year, how can we strengthen our faith, allowing us to connect in a deeper way to ourselves, to each other, and to the Divine.  Maybe we can start with singing George Michael :)

Who do we TRUST #BlogElul 5

Yesterday I was seen by 3 different doctors who all looked in my mouth...

• my dentist who took x-rays last week and suggested I see...
• the periodontist who took more x-rays and passed me on to...
• the endodontist who after taking x-rays identified a problem, but wasn't sure it was THE problem that was causing me pain

At the end of the day I was on antibiotics, have a scheduled root canal to retreat a previous root canal, have my fingers crossed that this will actually resolve the situation, and my hand on my wallet hoping I don't need a new crown.

This all left me thinking about the trust we put in medical professionals. I believe that all three of these doctors are good, know what they are doing, and I trust them when they suggest a course of treatment. And they all looked at x-rays and came up with different hypotheses of what was the *root* problem (sorry, couldn't resist).

I consider myself a good google-r, but there is no way that I can amass the knowledge to equal the years of schooling and hours of continuing education that these doctors amass. So, I trust that the treatment they suggest is the way to go. I trust that my dentist trusts the periodontist and so I should pay attention to what he says. Likewise they both agreed that I should see the endodontist, so ultimately I went with his assessment.

As people who live in community, we must place trust in so many people around us - we have to trust the other drivers on the road, trust our teachers, our spouses, our friends. For some of us it is a challenge to open ourselves up to trust and believe in others (guilty). For others it is a challenge to not trust everyone since by being open we can be vulnerable (guilty of that one too).

So as we think about the year that has passed and the year ahead we need to struggle with being confident in who we trust to help us make the best decisions and choose the best course of action...and we need to act so that we are worthy of others trusting us!

Count Me In - #BlogElul 4 with thanks to @JulieAnnSilver!

Counting is often a way for us to make order of the things around us - but in some ways it can remove us from being present. We have to step back and observe in order to count things. How can we use counting to step in to the present moment? I am inspired by these words from @JulieAnnSilver's song "Count Me In"

I have been walking beside many others;
I started this journey a long time ago.
A lifetime of living and learning together
With each new beginning, each of us will grow.
Count me in, I can stand up and be a part.
Count me in, let me find my own way
For I can be counted on, so I’m accountable.
Count me in, count me in today.

For an MP3 version of the song: http://tiny.cc/eu18gw

I intended to #BlogElul Day 3 this morning...

Today's #BlogElul theme is "Intentions." Now my first thought was that I intend to do a lot of things that never actually get done. My next association was a phrase that I have often seen on church signs:

It's one of those phrases that I get...but I also find frustrating. After all, isn't it better to have good intentions than evil intentions? Yes, sometimes there are unintended consequences to actions - and sometimes the action never happens despite the intention. But doesn't that count for something??

I certainly struggle with following through on my intentions. Sometimes it is like a new year's resolution - sure I intend to go to the gym every day, but it hasn't happened yet (stay tuned, but don't hold your breath). Other times there are non-ideal circumstances - I get a great idea of someone to reach out to and offer support while I am driving in the car, and by the time I get to my destination the idea has disappeared as quickly as it came, only to reappear the next time I am driving.

Add to this the fact that I am a procrastinator and would often rather "arrange" my intentions than complete them (see to-do list post for more on this issue) and I have a desire to get at least partial credit for intentions.

But it doesn't quite work that way. During the High Holy Day season we read that God can only forgive us for wrongs we have committed against God. For wrongs against people we have to actually apologize before we can seek Divine forgiveness. In other words, intending to apologize isn't enough. Even scripting the whole apology in our head doesn't count.

Why not? Because Judaism is a public religion, not one that happens in private on a mountain top (which can be VERY spiritual, don't get me wrong). It is also a religion that emphasizes actions over beliefs. The intentions to do better, be better, act better are the first step - but they must lead to action and dialogue with others.

So my intention is to use this Elul as an opportunity to take the next step and have those conversations, be they awkward or embarrassing...stay tuned for reflections on how they go!

Inventory #BlogElul Day 2

This is about how long I last on any diet...getting over the hurdle to turn an occasional practice into a habit is a real challenge for me!

The theme for today is inventory - as an organizational freak this is something I can easily connect with. I find I get great pleasure about making order out of chaos. It is a way of bringing calm to me by calming my environment. And I find it a way of connecting to the Divine - after all in Genesis 1 the whole world is created by bringing order to chaos.

So I am a list maker, and yes, I add things on to my list just to check them off. I have moved from the paper version to an electronic one, but I selected a program that allowed me to see the things that I had marked off. It was a way to visually take stock of what I had accomplished during a day.

But if I am looking to an inventory of a longer period of time, longer than a day, or longer than a week, it becomes more complicated. This is a situation where the total is much more than the sum of its parts. When we reflect on a year, there is so much more than just what we did each day. More to evaluate than what we accomplished.

And certain important things never make it on to the to-do list. I can't remember writing to call my mom on my list, or chat with my brother. What about friendships that need attention? Or spouses that need support. If someone else were to look at my to-do list, what would it say about who I am and what is important to me? Would I like that?

[Just looked at my to-do list for today - and while I am excited to check off "write blog," it is 90% things I need to do for work, 5% a family friend that I need to remember to contact (because I might forget), and 5%, well, writing this blog.]

My hope is that Elul can be an opportunity to make sure the things that I put on my list are indeed important and that I don't become defined by the more mundane tasks that I take care of every day. Better go put that on my to-do list!

#BlogElul Return

Elul is a time of introspection - and I am starting off with acknowledging a mistake and offering an apology. (I don't think this bodes well for the month ahead - but we'll deal with that later.) It seems that I was so excited about taking this challenge that I TOTALLY neglected to share the inspiration.

I definitely didn't think of it! I love technology and communication and social media, but am still struggling with how to take them from toys to tools for connecting with others, for connecting with my self. Which is another reason I am trying this challenge...

So the inspiration comes from Rabbi Phyllis Sommer who blogs as Ima on the Bimah.

Rabbi P. Sommer (not to be confused with her husband Rabbi M. Sommer) is a Rabbi at Am Shalom in the suburbs of Chicago. She is a blogger, a mother of 4, a fighter, and just a general inspiration (with her digital footprint, her use of social media for good, and her value-centered life).

Now Phyllis and I both run in the "professional Reform Jewish" crowd - which means we have friends and colleagues in common, we see each other periodically at conferences to catch up, that sort of thing. But that's not the Phyllis I think of when I read her blog or when I take this challenge.

Then I am thinking of Phyllis Sklar - my bunkmate at OSRUI in Chalutzim. That summer we spent seven weeks at camp, with a particular emphasis on conversing in Hebrew. It was a pivotal moment in my life. After all, I returned from camp, dropped French, and began studying Hebrew five days-a-week. But it was also a summer of self discovery.

So on the theme of return, it is easier for me to think about what I may be turning away from (bad decisions, brash judgements, harsh words) but it is sometimes harder for me to identify what I am returning to. There is a part of me that wants to return to being a camper at OSRUI. It was a place and a time where in the midst of teenage angst I felt accepted for who I was. It was a place that ran on Jewish time. There weren't dark shadows of things like cancer and illness (which has been a large part of my life this past year).

But I know that kind of return isn't the purpose of Elul. I want to move forward, not backward. So this year, how can I harness the physical and emotional security I found when attending a Jewish camp (and have observed so many others experience) and share it with our Temple Judea educational programs...and personally use it as a source of strength to myself?

Taking the #BlogElul Challenge

One of the ironies of working professionally in a congregation is that often times that should be the most meaningful (like the High Holy Days) are eclipsed by logistics, programming, and working to ensure that others have a meaningful experience. This is usually the case for me as I simultaneously prepare for the opening of the school year and running HHD experiences for 300+ children and teens. I am somewhat surprised when I find myself sitting in Rosh Hashanah services and not feeling ready.

That's the purpose of Elul - to get ready for the High Holy Days. It is much easier to do deep-introspection on one's self for the duration of a HHD service (3 hours MAX) than it is to reflect for a whole month. To critically look in the mirror and see where you missed the mark, whether intentionally or not, is tough work. But it is important work.

This year Rabbi Siegal, one of my colleagues, is including in her Elul preparation the Food Stamp Challenge - shining a spotlight on the issue of hunger in our country and the inequity that exists between social classes. I've decided to take the #BlogElul challenge.

I see this as a way to begin personally working on Temple Judea's study theme of Mindfulness. I rarely take the time to stop, to focus on myself, to quiet my mind, and to be present. In fact, I hate stillness and silence. As I write this it is weird that the television isn't on. The radio is always on in my car - even if I hate the song. I fall asleep whirring about events of the day and wake up with a to-do list already in mind.

So this is my challenge to myself - to spend a part of each day in the month of Elul thinking about the year that has passed and preparing for the year ahead. Tomorrow's topic...return. Better start thinking about what I am going to write...

Getting Ready for Rosh Hashanah!

One of my students recommended this one - with the month of Elul beginning in just a few days it is definitely time to start thinking about the High Holy Days. (And brushing up your dance moves!)